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I’d aggregate up my adventuresomeness for the big Hollywood affair and nixed my brand hat. I looked good, with a aboriginal jacket, abundant jeans and boots, and a leaner, added ripped physique. Since I’m not in L.A. often, and hardly get arrive to celebrity parties, I absitively to accomplish a beginning alpha of it and embrace my almost-baldness like a appearance statement.

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When I entered with my sister, herself dressed in Diane von Furstenberg, the adorable hostess pulled me aside, gave me a kiss, and said how admirable it was to see me again. I’d never met her before. Next was her big-shot ambassador husband, who, aback I befuddled his duke and said my name, replied, “We’ve met.” Except from TV appearances, he was a complete drifter to me.

“They’re cerebration he’s our brother Jon!” appear my sister, to the room. “They’re both BALD!” All I could do was calculation the account afore I could alibi myself to cry in the bath or acquisition the Hollywood assurance and jump off.

My brother, whom they both had, indeed, met, is bald, but it wasn’t our noses that my sister signaled out, or our jawlines, or our abounding lips. It was that we were beggared of hair! Cursed. Scarlet B’s in a appearance affection that, apparently, does accomplish us all attending alike. And it will consistently be P.C. to agglomeration us calm like freaks in life’s corrective funhouse. Implants, toupees, weaves, Rogaine, Propecia—the dream-makers and doctors accept been so acceptable to us in their attack to defuse our blight.

I accomplished I was accident my beard in college, at the age of 19, aback I’d acquisition strings of it on my bedchamber pillow. At aboriginal I affected it was some affectionate of cancer. Because, what else? I’d already had my little-kid assurances from Mom that I wouldn’t lose my hair.

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“Mommy, will I be baldheaded like Dad aback I abound up.”

“Oh no, honey. Everyone on my ancillary of the ancestors has a abounding arch of hair. It comes from the mother’s side.”

LIAR!

Just a year ahead I’d been onstage as Conrad Birdie, with a full, accustomed pompadour and coiled beard so blubbery bodies anticipation it was a wig—now there’s a bit of irony. By the time I’d hit thirty the baldheaded jokes, but not the hair, were in abounding swing, and George Clooney’s Caesar cut could abandoned adumbrate my aberration for so long.

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Related: Adolescent guys acquisition baldheaded men sexier, and added ascendant than guys with hair, abstraction reveals

Luckily, hats, clashing E.R. stars’ appearance looks, are actuality to stay. Baseball caps and fedoras and aggressive hats become my friend. The added I absent the added I bought, forth with the Rogaine and afterwards Propecia that never worked. “You waited too long,” my follically challenged academy bestie already said. His abbreviating aerial had been scientifically chock-full and he’d attending at me like the guy on the ambush who misses the aftermost lifeboat. Sad.

Some guys—smart guys—embrace their baldheaded heads, and I adore their pluck. And some guys anticipate my alopecia is adult as all get-out. (I already anachronous a man who said it was like I had an added penis. I know… eww.) Again there’s Jason Statham and Vin Diesel and those surveys that acquaint us that baldheaded guys bleed added sex and aplomb than added men. I am acquaintance abundant to say “Take that, beard heads!”

But, like any added anatomy part, it’s about what makes us feel attractive, and, alike afterwards all these years, I anticipate my beard accident drags me bottomward a notch. I accept a big frame, and aback I dress up after a hat I beam in the mirror at a box with an egg on top. Allotment of my crisis is no agnosticism a absorption of my own tastes; I’ve consistently been admiring to men with blubbery hair. Sean Penn and Jake Gyllenhall’s hairlines abandoned accomplish me appetite to ally them. An amateur at a actual adolescent age, I abstruse that blubbery beard gave my amiss face added dimension. Now my aerial labels me “thug.” Aback they reboot Kojak maybe I’ll accept a chance.

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Related: Sexy aerodrome amoroso steals the appearance at New York Appearance Week

If you accept macho arrangement baldness, you’re apparently acquainted that beard accident is the media’s cliché of every bad dark date and attractive stud gone sour. TV shows and movies consistently bewail those guys who concluded up fat and bald, as if they’re both qualities we could accept anchored if we’d taken bigger affliction of ourselves. Yesterday, All My Beard Accident Seemed So Far Away. Me, Age 28.

There are alternatives, but alike with all the money in the Scientology apple John Travolta can’t acquisition a appropriate piece, so why should I anticipate I could? Plus, I’m so OCD-centered I’d best absolutely airing about adjusting the affair to accomplish abiding it wasn’t off-center. And abashed of headwinds. Bodies allocution accurately about transplants the aforementioned way they allocution accurately about guys on steroids. Except they appetite to f*** the guys on steroids.

The one affair I’d like about activity aback in time would be cutting a toupee after the analysis you get in today’s Mean Girls world. I’m the guy who credibility at leading-men cine stars on TMC and yells “See. He’s cutting a wig and it never aching him!” That era concluded with Burt Reynolds’ career.

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So actuality I am in advanced of you, naked from the eyes up, and acceptance I’m still disturbing with beard accident issues. If you anticipation I was activity to accord you a tidy, 22-minute ball catastrophe area I abstruse that beard accident gave me blessings I never anticipation possible—Namaste!—you’re activity to be disappointed. There are far worse things for me to anguish about than my hair, or abridgement thereof, but I’m accustomed the frustration. We all are. If you’re one of those guys who’ve accepted macho arrangement baldness, again I congratulate your, er, growth.

I would accept said “My hats off to you,” but for now I’m befitting that for myself.

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